How
to Introduce Crossdressing
to Your Spouse
My
personal Experience by Michelle Johnson
Introduction
Everyone has asked me how I was able to communicate my desire to crossdress with my wife. . So I thought I would just relate my personal experience and hope that it helps everyone in some way. Just realize that I'm not a licensed or certified psychologist and your situation may be a little different than mine. Also note that I made some mistakes; such as I didn't tell her the "whole" story from the beginning and I've agonized over it through the years. I plan to tell her very soon everything, and I know she will be hurt that I didn't tell her from the beginning. One approach is the use of humor and it's my style. Humor comes very natural to me but if you're not like that then you need to find another strength to draw from to help you through it. What ever your situation, it will not be easy, you will have to push your comfort zone with your relationship. Rarely will you find a woman that will accept your crossdressing with open arms and want to be your girlfriend so to speak.
Just remember that the crossdressing aspect of your life is not why they chose to be with you. This is very important to remember and it's a continuing theme throughout this self help document. Crossdressing is not why they got involved with you nor did they choose you because they wanted a girlfriend. So when you change the basic rules and foundation of your relationship don't expect her to become overjoyed and say "Oh boy I hit the jackpot! Finally, a guy that wants to be a girl! Where have you been all my life!" . There are many exceptions to this but don't expect it to happen that way and you won't be disappointed or confused when she goes berserk.
I'm going to describe some of the common mistakes people make, that I see in my Email and through hundreds that I have met, that we all have made. Then I'll give you my perspective on how I avoid those mistakes. It may be a different approach for you depending on your situation but the key is to avoid the mistake. Okay enough of the psycho-babble.
I. - Losing perspective of the basics
The most important foundations to any relationship and marriage are what? Trust/Honesty, Love, Respect, Loyalty, and a sincere desire to make the person Happy. What I'm about to say; you may not want to hear but it's been my whole reason for being successful at communicating with my wife so far. If you're sneaking around, hiding your clothes then you are violating her trust, and your loyalty to her. I don't think it's really any different than being adulterous as far as deceit is concerned. The key antagonist here in this situation is you, and not unlike most antagonists in literature, you will slip up and she will catch you. At time when that happens it will be much more difficult to talk about the subject because it will represent something else all together that I won't go into here. The reason is primarily because she will wonder if she can trust you and if you will be loyal to her. Keep that in the back of your mind. If you have never slipped up good for you, however don't ever use it as leverage or positioning in a conversation because that's a set expectation and what you signed up for in the relationship. The fact that you are loyal is not a benefit no matter what anyone else is doing and how good you may think you are. It doesn't make you any better of a person because you adhered to standards that you promised in the first place.
II. - Giving ultimatums and making demands
The next mistake that people fall on is that they begin to think "well, if she loved me then she should let me do this because it's important to me". Wrong, unless you told her before marriage or before the relationship got too far along and she said, "that's okay with me, no problem" then she does have the right to say "No, that's not what I signed up for". Just remember that you are the variable here not her. You are the one trying to change the rules so give her time to adjust, give her a lot of room to say hurtful things to you. Don't get mad or defensive, just listen to her. Don't give the quick easy answers, just be caring, sensitive and understanding. I mean think about it, if she came to you and said
"Hon, I just have to have sex with other men and I want you to watch. In fact I think I want one of them to move in and sleep with us every night. If you loved me you'd let me and if you really cared you shouldn't have a problem and if you don't like it well, I'll keep him in another room and you'll never see him but I'm going to have regular sex with him. Oh and by the way I've been sleeping with him off and on for the last 12 years""
Okay, I know some of you might like that situation. But you get the point. In this situation, if she'd told you before the relationship you could have chosen whether you wanted to deal with that or not. Now your stuck. You say well, that's a little more extreme. It's not from the perspective of how the situation is handled and how your spouse feels. If you are crossdressing to any extent you are, in a sense, having an affair with another woman that you bring to bed with you every night whether your dressed or not. This is what she will see. So you have to be prepared to be understanding, caring and sensitive to her wants and needs. Furthermore, you need to be able to communicate your wants and desires, and be able to work through those issues through time.
III. Selling the Concept
We all know who we are and why we think a girl should enjoy the benefits of our crossdressing.
So you say "Hon, look at all these things you'll be getting along with the man you chose". Kind of like the ads on TV ...
"...But look that's not all... you also get the handy hammer ... but wait there's more ... for a limited time you can also get the onion peeler ... and if you're are 50th caller you'll also receive a finger nail clipper, hedge trimmer all in one"
... when all you really cared about was the knife set. Do you see my point. She will not see or care about any of this, because if she did she would have searched for someone like that from the beginning. Then you say, "well she never knew that there were people like me", it doesn't matter the point still is the same. Don't sell something to people that they're not buying cause you'll go out of business in flames.
Now what you can do with these benefits, is to use them in jest to sort of lighten moments of tension in the conversation. Laugh about it, let her know that you can see the way she's feeling. I always joke with my wife about it. It doesn't take anything away from what I want to do and I have a lot more fun with it. I keep telling her that I'm a Lumberjack trapped in a crossdressers body and if she'd just get me a big saw, some flannel shirts, and leave me in the woods with a bunch of burly men then I could be everything I wanted. And she will usually respond with "that's what I'm afraid of, you'd never come home". You see it's about having fun which leads me to the next mistake.
IV Taking it all too seriously
If you decide to tell your spouse or SO about this then I suggest you do it when you're feeling self confident, happy, maybe a little kooky, and on top of the world. Don't tell her when your depressed and sullen. Because when people communicate they attempt to empathize with one another. If someone is telling a story and is smiling and laughing what is the other person going to do? smile and laugh. If a person is depressed and is going through rough times what's going to happen? the person will attempt to try and feel the way you do. It's natural human nature in our attempts to communicate with each other.
So be fun, make it silly, entertain her and she'll love it. Maybe not everyday, but when she sees you dressed she will at least find humor in it and be okay. I don't know but I think it's because they realize that the "other woman" is not a threat to their own femininity if the other woman is kind of a goof ball. But if you show to many endearing qualities your spouse / SO will find her a threat to her relationship with you. I'm not sure if that's really true for all women, but one girl told me that one time so, I figure that I'm not that lucky to find the only girl in the world that would feel that way.
You don't want to go too far though, know where the lines are and stay within bounds. Silliness to a point is fun and funny but it can get old fast so just gauge it as you go.
V. Looking Too Sexy
Oh, this is a big one. If you look better than she does you have a problem. Or even if she thinks you look better than she does you have a problem. Here's why, you now become another woman which means that she is in competition with you and immediately sizes you up. Even if she's never seen you dressed all the way she will worry that you will look better. Use your humor, "you mean with my big feet, I'm going to look better than you!" or "you don't think I don't look like a linebacker in a dress?" Whether you do or don't is not the point. It's the fact that you still find her more attractive. And if you can make some "questionable" comments that are sincere that make her realize that you don't see what she sees, then she just may be a little more accepting
I like to dress sexy as we all do. And I do, the first time I dressed totally in front of my wife I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I got everything perfect because I didn't want her to laugh at me. I came out into a dimly lit bedroom and she stared at me in shock. "Oh, my god (long pause)". I said, "what, did I put on too much eyeliner?". She laughed (key point), "no, you do your makeup better than I do - and I didn't expect to see you in a wig". I just responded, "No way, you are the most gorgeous girl I know, I could only hope to do as well". She smiled and said, "well, how did you learn how to do all this". I responded, "Practice, Practice, Practice and three college courses followed by a sabbatical". She just said, "I can't believe it, you look like a girl". (This was a key line, because now she's could be wondering if I could or wanted to pass and be one if I wanted to. Then the ever posing question lingers in her head. 'does he want to change his sex'). So my response to this was "Damn, and I was trying to be a lumberjack!". There is nothing sexy about a lumberjack in drag, no matter what camera angle you use. Furthermore, the percentage of lumberjacks that go through SRS is probably very low to nil.
VI. Moving In Too Fast
Don't unload on her, take things in time, be PATIENT. To put into your perspective. How long did have you been dressing? How long was it until you got to where you felt that you looked okay? How long did it take to accumulate a wardrobe? How long did it take for you to feel comfortable going in out? You can't just give her the finished product and say, "Hey, what d'ya think about this!?". Let her grow into it at intervals that are within her comfort zone. Do it subtly. But be careful, you need to disclose everything eventually and if you move too slow she'll think that you are "progressing" or "growing" or "changing" when the reality is you've already been that way for perhaps years.
Now I have gone out in public and this violates the advice I gave earlier but I plan on disclosing that to her the next time we are discussing the topic. But I'll let her ask the question, and I don't ever expect her to want to go out with me dressed. I think I'd even be a little self-conscious with that because I would be empathizing with her. Furthermore, I don't think she'll want me going out on my own or with others.
She's now okay with everything except wigs, public appearances, web page, organizing a social group, organizing a yearly event, writing a book etc. Most of all she was upset that I did not disclose everything from the beginning. She says she would have been understanding and probably be okay with even more. I believe her, the fact that I didn't just come right and tell her who I has bothered her as she felt that I didn't feel like I could trust her. I deceived her or to use a stronger word; I lied to her but with holding something that we should have been sharing together. We are working through it all now. We're both trying to figure out what we both can live with. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to do the things that I really want to do. I'm not sure how we'll resolve it but the key is that every other part of our relationship is strong. I love her as much or more than the first day that I married her, she's my best friend and the person I want to be with forever. I've never felt like that about anyone before in my life and never will again. With that as a foundation I think we can build whatever we want to build. I think besides this the only major disagreement we've ever had is about what color couch to get for the family room. We don't have a lot of common interests but the one common thread we do have is that we're both romantic and passionate people that care about each others emotional needs.
VII Changing personalities when Dressed
If you do dress for your spouse or SO, don't change your personality or mannerisms. Just enjoy being dressed. Let her comment that you may look like a girl but you don't act or sound like one. That's okay, she's trying to validate to herself that she is still the female in the relationship. Just respond with, "Yeah, I know, I need help with all that girlie stuff, it was all that lumberjack training that did me in."
Don't try to be "Girlie" with her. Most girls are turned off by that kind of stuff anyway these days. And a man trying to emulate it without any real training will look silly in her eyes. Just be you! because "you" is good
VIII Forgetting to compromise
Just because your married or whatever doesn't mean she owes you anything unless you discussed it up front. Anything else that wasn't disclosed before any bonds is open to negotiation. You won't get everything you want if you didn't disclose it before hand. If you do you're very fortunate and probably should be writing this instead of me. The key is to find out what you can live with before ever entering into any discussions. Know what you want and what you can realistically settle with.
I lost two girlfriends over this. One because I tried to force it on her and the other because I wouldn't bend on anything. I was going through a phase that I felt that if she didn't like it then I didn't care about her. Not a good attitude to start a relationship. I was caught up in all the psycho-babble and my friends were influencing me to go through SRS and drop my girl friend. It wasn't until much later I realized that it was my problem and not hers. Anyway, it all goes back to accepting responsibility for our actions. We make choices and we have to live with the results. We can't blame other people, family environment for any of the choices we make. That's ridiculous, and I'm not buying that from any of the liberal psychologists. I think their facts and statistics are biased and skewed on that issue.
Just be prepared to not get everything you want if you haven't talked about it at all with her. Then you have to decide if you can live with any of the compromises. If not, then you both need to move on.
IX. Making Promises / Concessions you Can't Keep
Don't do it. If you can't resolve crossdressing with your SO for whatever reason then you have to weigh the realities and importance of your crossdressing. It is unrealistic to think that you can stop doing it. Don't promise this, because it rarely happens. Our brain is an organ that learns through stimulus and repetition. If we are continually dressing for positive stimulus then it's just going to keep reinforcing it. The old adage that says "People become more of what they are as they age" comes to mind. What that means is that the good qualities get better and the bad get worse. Look at your parents, grandparents, look at their patterns. Things they do well they are absolutely great at. Their faults get much worse. It's through repetition that these qualities keep growing.
The point is, don't make unrealistic concessions, on the other side don't give ultimatums and make promises you know you can't keep. This is a tough line to follow but you have to if you want to communicate successfully with her. That doesn't mean you get your way, it just means that you've both effectively communicated.
If it comes right down to it, go your separate ways because let me tell you a clean break up front is better than a life time of sneaking around and paranoia that you're going to get caught. And you will get caught, it's just a matter of when not if.
One girl I dated for 4 years almost 5. We were engaged for nearly a year and I decided to tell her. She went berserk, but I maintained my position of let's put everything on the table and see if we're a match. Because although I wanted to keep her more than anything, that desire to want her with me I knew would fade very quickly if I felt constrained. You are the key to unlocking all the constraints and you have the key you just have to figure out the best way to use it without damaging the lock.
X. Becoming dependent on social or support groups
Okay, before you get defensive let me just say that I think social and support groups are an excellent way to meet and share with others. I sat on the board of a large one in Washington D.C. so I should know. The portion of our agenda that I focused on and liked most was our direction towards total self improvement from appearance, family, and emotional stability. However there are some land mines that you'll step on here if you're not careful and they all sum up the last nine in many ways.
The first and foremost when dealing with your SO don't try to sell them on attending a meeting. This is the last thing they're going to want to do. It would be the same as her asking you to go to therapy to find out what was wrong with you. The way to present the social group to your spouse is to present it as an option. If you are at an impasse and need to share and learn from others then offer it up as one alternative. Counseling would be another alternative. Providing existing material such as the crossdressing FAQ on this page is yet another alternative. Don't force them to read anything, just present it as another source of information and let them decide what they want to know.
But I've seen many of the people coming to my group saying, "well, tried to get my wife to come tonight, I don't know why she won't come, I think it would let her see that I'm not the only one and that these are really nice people." If you attend a social / support group and you haven't heard this one or haven't said it yourself (I know I'm guilty) then I would be very surprised. This is a fallacy. First of all, she doesn't care if anyone else does it or how nice they are, you are the one she married or is dating not everybody else. She doesn't care, nor does she see where it will help anything in your relationship. In fact she'll be concerned that if you continue to go that you'll want to dress up more often or whatever. And she's probably right. This is one of those things you don't want to try to sell but rather offer if interested.
Another land mine that social groups have are that they allow a means for us to sneak around. Regularly scheduled meetings with facilities to dress. I've had people store their clothes with me and come over and dress only for a get together, their wives thinking they were at a business meeting or whatnot. If I were to put a group together now all would be welcome except those who had wives or girlfriends that did not know. That's just playing with fire as far as I'm concerned and I don't support it.
There can be a lot of sympathizing which can enforce some of the land mines such as giving ultimatums etc. I never been around a bunch a people that were so bitter about the way their wives reacted to their dressing. They took it as an insult, and felt that their wives were being unreasonable. And maybe they were, but the person should have been at home trying to work to resolve the issue rather than ranting.
Conclusion
I plan to follow up this with some more land mines and more personal experiences. I just want everyone to know although I do feel like I understand human behavior better than most that I haven't had any formal or educational experience. Most of what I've written - is what I feel is just the right way regardless of all the psycho-babble. Just look at this as one persons opinion or approach to communication. It's not the only way to do it nor is it necessarily the best way. In fact I have made mistakes by not disclosing everything at the beginning. I can't stress this enough. If you think you are going to be seeing some one for a significant amount of time. Just tell them. There's never a good time, just find a place you can talk away from all the daily noise and just tell them. Tell them everything. A few weeks or months of heartache is much better than that of a lifetime. Other than that I feel that I've communicated all of my needs and wants. I may not get everything I need but that's a mistake I made very early on.
Furthermore, the tone of this whole exercise has taken the side of the spouse / SO. If you got angry or felt threatened by any of the comments I made, you may not be ready to discuss this with the person you care about. I would suggest you read it a few times and if you still don't understand it seek counseling. I sincerely feel that the spouse / SO is the one victimized in this whole ordeal and we forget that because we are so scared and nervous when we try to bring it up. Then all the emotion just begins to flood through the gates losing all form of rationality.
Don't try discussing it with her if you're not strong, and confident enough to deal with it yourself. Because if you can't accept who you are, like it, and careless who finds out about it then how in the world can you convince her to feel any differently!
I've thought about writing a book on this subject if anyone knows a publisher that would accept this concept or an agent that would be willing to stand behind it I do know some very good writers that will write it.
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